• Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• If your father is a poor man, it is your fate; but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
• How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet. • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. • Even when opportunity knocks, you still have to get off your ass and open the door. • Bad decisions make good stories. • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• How Long is a Chinese person's name.
• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
• Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. • If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? • Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? • Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer? • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Do you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.